How to Talk to Women: Openers, Banter and Eye Contact

Learning how to talk to women has very little to do with memorizing perfect lines and almost everything to do with changing what you are trying to achieve in the first place. Most guys walk in hunting for the “correct” thing to say, as if a conversation were a test with an answer key. The seduction community figured out long ago that it isn’t, and its teachers built practical systems for what to do instead. This article walks through those systems: the inner game that keeps you from freezing, the first minute in person, a four-step model for moving from small talk to real attraction, and the mistakes that kill most conversations.

Why talking to women feels so hard

Savoy opens his model with a blunt observation. Between your words, body language and tonality, there are billions of things you could do at any moment, and each combines with her personality and mood into an emotional impression. Then she reacts and you face another infinite menu. He points out that the world’s most powerful computers couldn’t model even the first half-second of that exchange.

Savoy says this is exactly why men find it stressful. Our brains like logically connected tasks: setting up a campsite means pitch the tent, build the fire, done. Men try to apply that same checklist thinking to women and get frustrated when the checklist doesn’t exist.

The fix is to aim at a different target. Swinggcat teaches that “most people’s actions and decisions are not based on logic. It’s based on emotion,” and that women work this way even more than men, with logic arriving later to rationalize the choice. Tyler Durden of RSD makes the same point from the field: in a flirtatious context, women process what you say emotionally rather than linearly. Your content doesn’t need to be logical. It needs to be congruent (your words, voice and body all saying the same thing) and energetic.

So the real question behind how to talk to women is not “what’s the right line?” but “what feeling am I creating right now?” Once you think that way, a silly opener delivered with good energy beats a clever one delivered nervously every time.

Inner game: the beliefs behind how to talk to women

Inner game is the community’s term for your mindset: beliefs, emotional state and self-image. You can know every technique and still choke if your inner game is broken, because the words come out wrapped in fear.

Beliefs find their own evidence

Swinggcat frames a belief as a focus of attention. Whatever you believe, your mind hunts down evidence that confirms it. He adds that in any interaction the stronger belief system wins. If you believe she dislikes you, a line like “that was such a lame pickup line” sounds like rejection. If you believe she’s into you, the same line is banter you can answer cocky-funny, the community’s mix of arrogance and humor that teases without insulting.

Vin DiCarlo sorts bad beliefs into three buckets: “I have nothing to offer,” “I’ll lose something by approaching,” and “I need to trade something material for sex.” He also notes that most bad beliefs are excuses we invent to avoid taking responsibility for a rejection. David Wygant keeps a catalog of those excuses: “fat day,” “they’re waiting for someone,” “my rap isn’t good enough,” “no one that hot can be single.” His verdict is simple: they’re ego rationalizations, and you are not a mind reader.

Hypnotica’s notepad drill

Hypnotica gives you a field exercise for catching your own mental script before you ever say a word:

1. Go somewhere busy: a mall, a college campus, a beach.
2. When you notice an attractive woman, slow your thoughts down and write your first automatic thought on a numbered notepad. Aim for about 20 women in 30 minutes.
3. Take a 15-minute break, then repeat. This time, after each first thought, ask “how do I know that for sure?” and write a second plausible thought, such as “maybe she likes my shirt.”
4. In a third round, add a deliberately absurd scenario for each woman.
5. Review the pad. Your first assumption was never reality, just a filter.

Abundance and outcome independence

Outcome independence means not needing any particular result from a conversation. It grows out of abundance mentality: the lived belief that attractive women are plentiful. David DeAngelo argues that treating one woman as a singular opportunity produces needy, “wussy” behavior, and that with billions of women around, each conversation is practice. Wygant’s training method is volume: talk to everybody every day, regardless of looks, until “everyone looks alike” and attractive women stop triggering your nerves.

That last point matters more than any opener. Nervousness in conversation is mostly unfamiliarity. Volume fixes it. You can find more inner game breakdowns in the Becoming PUA journal.

How to talk to women in person: the first minute

Eye contact that reads as confident

Voice coach Roger Love teaches the 8 to 2 ratio for one-on-one conversation: roughly 8 seconds of direct eye contact, 2 seconds looking down, then re-engage. It avoids both the darting eyes of a nervous guy and the unblinking stare that reads as intense. If direct eye contact makes you lock up, Love’s fallback is “talk to the head”: look at her forehead, hair or chin. To her, it still registers as eye contact.

Have openers ready before you need them

An opener is the first line you use to start a conversation with a stranger, and a “set” is the person or group you approach. Mystery says he keeps about five openers in his head that he uses regularly, and they’re all non sequiturs that have nothing to do with each other. Two of his: “How tall are you?” and asking whether she thinks the movie Poltergeist is based on reality or pure fiction. He calls each opener “a small little piece” and then he stacks forward, meaning he moves straight into the next bit instead of waiting for the opener to carry the conversation.

One of his stacked bits is a number game: ask her to picture a number from one to four, the first that pops in her head, and not say it. Then guess three, since most people pick three. It’s quick, a little mysterious, and it gives her something to react to besides “so what do you do?”

The 2007 Global PUA Summit added a useful habit: be social with everybody, men included. Starting conversations with the guys and the bartender warms you up and makes you look like someone with a social life rather than a man on a mission.

Approach in a way that feels safe to her

A female panel at the Summit listed what reads as creepy: towering over a small woman, busting aggressively into a group, staring from a corner, cornering her, and approaching her alone at her car at night. Come in from the front at a comfortable distance, keep your body relaxed, and give her an easy exit.

A sample opening (illustration)

You: “Quick question. How tall are you?”
Her: “Uh, five-six? Why?”
You: “My friend swears you’re taller than him. I said no way. Okay, totally different thing. Picture a number from one to four. Don’t say it.”
Her: (laughs) “Okay...”
You: “Three.”
Her: “How did you do that?”

Notice what happens: no interview, no résumé, just a light emotional ride. Her laughing, asking “how did you do that?” and turning toward you are IOIs, indicators of interest. Short answers, scanning the room or turning her shoulders away are IBIs, indicators of disinterest. With IOIs, keep going. With IBIs, wrap it up warmly and move on. That’s the whole of how to talk to women in the first minute: open, add a little fun, and read the response.

DeAngelo’s four steps: from spark to escalation

David DeAngelo warns that when it comes to attraction, many rules of communication are “reversed and turned on their heads.” His four-step process of sexual communication gives the conversation a direction once it’s started.

Step 1: Spark the attraction

This is the chemistry stage. DeAngelo warns against goal-driven, résumé-style talk here. Engage her emotions instead: playfulness, teasing, a story with some color. Swinggcat’s “mouse and cheese” principle applies: women value what they work for but give up on the impossible, so be fun and slightly challenging without being unreachable.

Step 2: Build sexual tension

Tension comes from not resolving everything at once. DeAngelo describes playing hard to get as a non-needy teasing stance: you don’t act immediately on every signal she gives. A playful tease, a held glance, a moment where you pull back slightly (“okay, you’re trouble, I can tell”) keeps her leaning in.

Step 3: Amplify the attraction

Here you deepen the connection so the spark doesn’t fizzle. The Summit material says a woman is quietly asking herself three things, and good conversation answers them:

• “Can a girl like me get a guy like him?” Show you get along with women like her.
• “Will he respect me as a friend?” Use the word “friend” naturally and treat her as a person, not a trophy.
• “Is this for real?” Be unrehearsed. If something odd happens, call it out and laugh about it.

Savoy’s emotional triggers fit here too: she should feel your value matches or exceeds hers, feel special as though she earned your attention, and feel comfort and connection.

Step 4: Physically advance

Escalation means moving the interaction forward physically: kino (light touch) on the arm, sitting closer, holding hands, eventually a kiss. It follows her interest, never your schedule. Watch for compliance: she lets the touch stay, touches back, moves closer. If she pulls away, goes stiff or says no, you stop, and that’s the end of it. Savoy’s own trigger list includes her feeling aroused by your touch without awkwardness, which is impossible if you push.

Fluff talk vs emotional talk: how the schools differ

Fluff talk is light, generic small talk: name, hometown, job. The teachers disagree on what to do with it, and the difference is worth understanding.

The practical synthesis: don’t open with fluff, but don’t fear it either. Jeffries is right that a minute of easy chat after an intense or flirty moment lets the conversation breathe. DeAngelo is right that a whole conversation of fluff is a job interview.

When you want to go deeper, Jeffries has a clean method for eliciting what she values. Ask “What’s important to you in a relationship?”, then “What has to happen for you to know you have that?”, then chunk up to the feeling behind her answer. Jeffries also says women keep fantasy in a separate mental compartment from bills and chores, and most men get stuck talking in the chores compartment. Talk about travel, desire, adventure and what lights her up, not her commute.

One caution DeAngelo raises: emotional talk can go wrong if it turns you into a sympathetic girlfriend-equivalent. Listen, but keep your own frame, meaning your own point of view and sense of humor, instead of just nodding through her complaints.

How to talk to women at bars and on dating apps

At bars and clubs

Bars are loud, social and full of interruptions, so how to talk to women at bars comes down to momentum. Mystery stresses handling the interrupt: when a friend or newcomer joins, you need a fresh opener for that person rather than freezing. That’s another reason to keep several openers loaded.

• Open groups, not just solo women. Win over her friends with the same light energy and you’re no longer a stranger.
• Approach every woman you find attractive. The abundance material says not to linger on one who responds poorly.
• Leave while it’s good. A line from the abundance teaching: “It was nice talking to you, I’m going back with my friends to have some drinks, find me later.” It shows you have a life, and if she’s interested, she knows where you are.
• Don’t lean on alcohol. The community warns that women read heavy reliance on drinking as weakness and manipulation. Your state should come from you, not the bar tab, and never try to use drinks to lower her guard.

On dating apps and text

Most guys ask how to talk to women on dating apps and then send “hey, how’s your week?” fifty times. The emotional principle is the same online, just slower.

• End with a call to action. DeAngelo makes the call to action the final step of his email formula and the close of a profile: tell her exactly what to do next, whether that’s reply, give her number or pick a night.
• Tease her silence instead of chasing it. DeAngelo uses “playing hard to get” as a tease line when she goes quiet, framing her non-response as a flirty game rather than a crisis.
• Tell stories, not stats. Wygant’s sensory storytelling works as well in a message as it does at a bar.
• Don’t take flakes personally. The community notes that women who bonded with you over the phone sometimes flake out of insecurity about meeting in person. Stay light, offer one easy plan, and move on if she doesn’t take it.

If you’ve been wondering “how can I talk to women when I’m not a natural?”, texting is a good low-pressure practice ground, but don’t hide there. The skill compounds fastest face to face. The journal has more on openers and messaging in our full article archive.

Common mistakes and sticking points

A sticking point is a specific place where your interactions keep stalling. These are the big ones when men learn how to talk to women, and the fix each teacher prescribes.

1. Running a job interview. Question, answer, question, answer. Fix: DeAngelo’s rule, swap facts for stories and feelings. If you’ve asked three questions in a row, make a statement or tell a story.
2. Gas and brake at the same time. Tyler Durden calls this divided intent: you want her to like you but you’re also trying to escape. Fix: commit fully to wanting her to stay and laugh for the next two minutes.
3. Reading her words literally. “You’re so weird” with a smile is an IOI. Fix: Swinggcat suggests befriending women of your type and studying the subtext of their behavior, not what they say.
4. Scarcity. Treating one conversation as your only chance makes you clingy. Fix: volume, and DeAngelo’s reminder that each woman is practice.
5. Trophy hunting. Wygant says women sense when they’re being treated as a prize to collect and are repelled by it. Fix: get genuinely curious about her as a person.
6. Failing her quiet screening. The panel Wygant ran watched for whether you have a plan, how you treat the waiter, and whether you talk about exes or flaunt money. Fix: have a plan, be kind to staff, and keep exes and bank balances out of it.
7. Waiting until you feel ready. DiCarlo says you have to declare yourself ready rather than wait for anxiety to fade. Fix: approach while nervous. The nerves shrink with reps, not before them.
8. Ignoring her signals. Pushing past IBIs or a no isn’t game, it’s the reason women find guys creepy. Fix: escalate only on clear interest, slow down when she hesitates, and walk away gracefully when she’s not into it.
9. Rewriting failures as proof you’re broken. Ross Jeffries calls this the structure of a slump: reviewing failures breeds questions like “Why do I always mess up?” Fix: after every outing, ask “What did I do well?” first.

Pulling it all together, how to talk to women comes down to a short loop: get your head right, open with something light, create a feeling instead of a fact exchange, read her response, and lead only as far as she wants to go. Run that loop a few hundred times and the “what do I say?” panic disappears, because you’ll realize she was never grading your lines in the first place.

For deeper dives into each stage, from approach anxiety to escalation, browse every Becoming PUA article or start with the latest posts on the journal’s main page.